Go to bed angry.

the one surprising practice that could save your relationship

May 18, 2026

My husband and I are planning a trip to Iceland this summer, and inevitably these exciting plans also led to a misunderstanding that almost turned into a huge argument.

I see vacation as a welcome escape from real life and like to splurge with abandon to give myself the ultimate experience. My husband likes to do everything as economically as possible, which pleases my wallet, but not necessarily my wanderlusting soul.

Our values are different around spending, an issue many couples struggle with. Some even say arguments about money are a leading cause of divorce. But most of the time it’s just one of the many perpetual differences that couples learn to live with.

In fact, Dr. John Gottman’s research illuminated that 69 percent of a couple’s problems are unsolvable and will continue to plague them throughout their lifespan.

This always shocks people, but unsolvable problems aren’t the problem they might seem to be.

Because the issues aren’t really the problem— it’s how we talk about them that makes or breaks our relationships.

We have to be willing to have hard conversations and mindful of the way we show up in them.

For me and my husband, different values around money and different ideas about what constitutes responsible spending will probably always be an issue. Our job is to acknowledge those differences, accept them, and make sure we hear each other out before we make decisions.

And sometimes that means taking a couple’s time-out.

This is one of the best gifts you could give your relationship. In fact, it’s the number one skill I would want every newly married couple to develop: a contracted, planned time-out agreement that will be implemented in times of conflict or potential conflict— not as punishment or an instrument for stonewalling— but rather as a collaborative tool to protect the relationship from reactionary dynamics.

This is because the issue with how most couples handle conflict isn’t the issues themselves— the argument about whose turn it is to do the dishes, the standoff over how much to spend, the tension around one partner always being on their phone or not picking up after themselves— the challenge is that when you really love someone you get triggered very easily.

This puts us into survival mode: trying to win, shutting down, getting defensive, criticizing, blaming, accusing, sometimes even an all-out attack over little to nothing.

When we’re dysregulated, we get into a cycle of reactivity that gets amplified with every volley.

This is human and can easily happen to the best of us, but if we care about the health of our relationship it isn’t okay to hurl nasty words or get mean and then say “I didn’t mean any of that, I was just upset.” Hurtful words can’t be unsaid. And they reverberate.

In fact, no more false an expression exists than: “sticks and stones can break my bones but words will never hurt me.” BS. Words can hurt far more than weapons. And if you cut your partner with sharp words in every argument, eventually an apology won’t be enough.

Repair is critical, but it has to come with changed behavior.

The couples time-out process I lay out in my book The Cost of Quiet is the one we use, and it’s made a huge difference in our ability to stay connected and make conflict constructive rather than damaging.

Here are a few highlights:

The purpose of the time-out is to protect the relationship. “Don’t ever go to bed angry” is a myth. If one or both of you are triggered, it’s much better to pause and come back to the discussion when the time is right— meaning you’re both emotionally regulated.
A time-out works best when partners agree to it in advance, make a specific plan, and commit to implementing it when triggers arise. The key steps: agree on a signal or word, decide how long it will be (twenty minutes minimum, up to twenty-four hours), remove yourself from the space, take the time to regulate and process, then return at the designated time to check in.
Physiologically, it isn’t really possible to come back to your best self in fewer than twenty minutes, so give yourself the time your nervous system actually needs.
When you return, if both of you are regulated, proceed. If not, take another time-out or agree to revisit at a later time. What matters is that you come back. That commitment to return is what creates emotional safety.

With my husband it was the question of whether to book the new Black Sand Hotel in southern Iceland (the only hotel in the country right on the beach!) that nearly set us spiraling.

And it was our pre-established couples time-out plan, and the fact that we both respect it as a tool of protection rather than seeing it as a punishment, that allowed us to preserve safety.

We took a break, came back, and apologized for our respective reactivity: he had gotten an accusatory tone and threw a few passive-aggressive lobs, and I had started to get critical and indignant.

After the time out, we were able to work out not only the trip but what was underneath the reactivity that really needed to be talked about. For him, it was knowing that we were not going to blow the budget, and for me, it was knowing that this trip could have the much-needed element of carefree play and exploration that I’ve been longing for since launching my book.

It was a win-win, because what was important to each of us was possible when we communicated from the regulated adult place within ourselves and heard each other out with genuine curiosity.

You can do this too. You can develop habits of relational responsibility that honor and protect your bond. I promise your future selves will thank you.

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